I just have to share an experience I had a while back. You never know when something like this can happen and the older I get..........
After twenty six years of living here I have become used to the heat and humidity of Southwest Florida. I have central air and surround myself with fans to cool the sweat as it rolls down my neck and back (I also keep lots of tissues around the house).
About a year or so ago I was busy cleaning the house. As I took a short break to cool off I was dabbing a paper towel across the back of my neck when I had an itch on my stomach just below my left breast. There I am standing in my bedroom in front of the fan trying to cool off when I reach down to scratch this annoying little itch....and that was when I felt it. Absolute terror swept across my body. I was completely frozen in fear, for when I scratched that annoying little itch......I discovered a lump under my breast.
Time stood completely still as I stood in front of that fan and felt that lump. I don't even think I was breathing. When I snapped to I ran practically screaming into the bathroom tearing off my blouse, tears streaming from my eyes.
And that's when I saw it........
The lump............
It was my nipple.
Of course, my tears were instantly replaced with tears of joy as the alternative is too frightening to think about. But, I must admit, immediately after I had to throw my hands up in the air and howl with laughter. Plastic surgery may indeed be in my future!
Well...I'm off to a moonlight stroll.
Well folks it took me 52 years, but I finally have it figured out (if I don't forget it while I'm typing!). I finally know what ails me...it's ADHD.
Hold on, I know what you are thinking, how can such a rotund woman (I'd say rubenesque, but that would just have me hungry for a pastrami and swiss) have ADHD? Well, I'm not referring to Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder....no, I have Attention Disorder HOUSEWORK Deficiency!
How else do I explain that I spent ALL DAY cleaning my house and didn't get ANYTHING finished! I'm exhausted from it all.
It all started when I decided to clean out my desk drawer. Really, how hard can that be! So, there I was cleaning out the drawer when I come across a roll of dental floss. Well, that doesn't belong there...and off I go to the bathroom and put it in the drawer (where it belongs). While in the bathroom I discover someone has left the bottle of Downey wrinkle remover on the counter so I proceed to take that out to the laundry, where it belongs. While in the laundry I remember the towels in the dryer. I proceed to fold them when I remember I need to thaw out chicken for dinner. So I take the chicken out of the freezer only to discover that my father has been in the kitchen (he's blind and NEVER attempts to clean up after himself!). I put the chicken back in the freezer and proceed to wash the counter where I come across the mail, which should be on my desk. Where do I head...you guessed it...my desk, where I remember that THIS IS WHERE I STARTED! So I go back to cleaning out the drawer and find my bracelet which I put back in the jewelry box (in the closet) where I discover....a dirty shirt!
It is now time to make dinner; the drawer is not done, the towels are half folded, the counter half washed and the chicken........still frozen.
No wonder I'm so tired! Did I mention that menopause wreaks havoc on your memory?
Well, it's time for my date with the moonlight. Goodnight!
We all know that there are three hundred and sixty five days in a year. Granted, in Southwest Florida 180 of those days are spent enduring infernal Hell like heat...we call it summer. Honestly, it's so hot the devil vacations here! Where was I...oh, that said, there are still 185 nearly PERFECT days every year down here.
So, all day long I have been asking myself...WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID MY HUSBAND PICK THE HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR TO CLEAN OUT THE GARAGE!!!
OMG...it was 97 degrees today with a heat index of 104...can you say HEAT STROKE!!!
Oh, but I think I'm on to him now...clever man! He KNEW how much I would HATE being out there going through all those boxes and bins; sweat pouring from my menopausal body! He KNEW the longer I was out there the hotter I would get and he KNEW I would eventually get so hot that I would just start throwing it all away!
Gonna be some good pickins in the garbage this week!
Clever man indeed!
The sad news though...even though we spent 9 hours out there and filled 4 trash cans...I still have WAY too much stuff!
Well folks, it's off to bed for me. I'm so tired from the heat that it is entirely possible that I might sleep more than an hour and 45 minutes!
Did I mention that it is so hot down here that you even sweat when you're swimming in the pool!?!
We went to see Julie and Julia at the movies today. Julia Child was such a magnificent woman. I used to LOVE watching her on TV. I was so inspired when I came home tonight that I added extra cheese to the hamburger helper for dinner. I even served it with some "French" green beans! Bon Appetit!
Actually, I do love to cook now that I am older, but momma was the cook in the family! Oh, how I miss walking through the door after a long day of work to smell her cooking. I don't care how bad the day was; when the aroma of her cooking came wafting up your nose, every nerve ending suddenly relaxed. She could take the cheapest, toughest piece of beef and turn it into beef tenderloin! To think, she cooked like that (seven days a week!) raised three children, kept an immaculate home, AND lived with my father. Somebody needs to contact the Vatican...she really should be a candidate for Sainthood! I'll NEVER measure up!
I can't really get into cooking down here in the summer. It is just too darn hot! The last vestiges of sunlight passed over Southwest Florida four hours ago and it's STILL in the 80's. The best thing you can make down here in the summer are reservations.
Well, it's getting late and I have a date with the moonlight!
Moonlight and Menopause...why the name? Well, for one, I am firmly ensconced in that ancient sisterhood ritual we call menopause and my nights are generally spent wide awake in front of a fan!
Speaking of sleepless nights, I have a theory that ALL vampires are actually women. Any woman over fifty that has spent 49 consecutive, sleepless, sweat soaked nights in a hot flash stupor knows they are quite capable of ripping the throat out of the first person who greets them in the morning with a cheerful smile and "Looks like someone needs a cup a Joe". I'll show you Joe...Joe Lewis!!!
Anyway, I have played more computer Majong than I will ever admit to. So here I am. Just me and the moonlight.
